the journey

There are times when life as a Christian is rough. Things don't go as hoped or planned, we are disappointed or discouraged. For me, I grow weary when it seems we go through the same issues day in and day out. In that weariness I am prone to start relying more upon myself and less upon the promises of the Lord God. Why? Pride, self-sufficiency, selfishness - these are definitely things that take over and set me upon a difficult and dismal course. The path grows rocky. In the struggle I grow tired and discouraged, angered and disappointed. I drop my Shield of Faith and become a huge target for the fiery darts of Satan.
However, the Lord does not abandon me. He steadily cares for me. Recently I was speaking with a friend about this and her thought is that it's hard to understand that the Lord allows these struggles for my good, in order to make me more like his Son, Jesus Christ. That is hard for me to swallow. I really step back and say, "Ok, Lord. Surely you could make me more like Christ without this!"
I've struggled greatly with trusting the Lord to hear my cries for help. I've questioned his goodness in the midst of hearing my children lie, bicker, speak unkindly to one another, and then simply go on their way without a care. I wonder if this training is really worth it. Often I think, "I know I cannot change my children's heart. Only the Spirit can do that. So why try?" Where is God when I grow angry? Where is God when I pray to be free from my own sin and to work in my life, just as I desire Him to work in my children's lives? Why to I feel lonely in the midst of busy little ones? Why can I not even command the words to pray for myself?
Perhaps some of you who read this can relate. Perhaps others of you are just as confused as I am at times. My faithful husband has reminded me that the Lord has not abandoned me. He loves me more than I can imagine. He is shaping me and He is with me. He will not let me go - not ever! Therefore, I am driven to the place where I began this journey, where all Christians begin this journey - the cross.
Here's an excerpt from John Bunyan's work Pilgrim's Progress and a passage from Hebrews 12. Both of these have reset my focus. Perhaps for those of you who need this, they will set you again on that narrow path for the journey.

Hebrews 12:4-7,11 "In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: 'My son, don not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.' Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?...No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

...and from Pilgrim's Progress (an abridged version):
"Christian at the Cross"
Now I saw in my dream, that the highway up which Christian was to go was fenced on either side with a wall; and that wall was called Salvation. Up this way, therefore, did burdened Christian run; but not without great difficulty, because of the load on his back.
He ran thus till he came at a place somewhat ascending; and upon that place stood a Cross, and a little below, in the bottom, a sepulcher. As Christian came up to the Cross, his burden fell off his back, and began to tumble. It continued to fall until it came to the mouth of the sepulcher, where it fell in, and I saw it no more.
Then was Christian glad and lightsome, and said, with a merry heart, "He hath given me rest by His sorrow, And life by His death."
Then he stood still awhile to look and wonder; for it was very surprising to him, that the sight of the cross should thus ease him of his burden. He looked therefore, and looked again, even till the springs that were in his head sent the waters down his cheeks. Now, as he stood looking and weeping, behold three Shining Ones came to him, and saluted him. "Peace be to thee!" the first said to him, "Thy sins be forgiven thee." The second stripped him of his rags, and clothed him with change of raiment. The third set a mark in his forehead, and gave him a roll with a seal upon it, which he bade him look on as he ran, and which he should give in at the Celestial City: so they went their way. Then Christian gave three leaps for joy, and went on singing: "Thus far did I come laden with sin, Nor could ought ease the grief I was in, Till I cam hither. What a place is this! Must here be the beginning of my bliss!"